The Silos
by CPDRuzekFan
Summary: Adam and Al have a conversation after the Silos.


The framed photo on the mantle had been taunting him for days now, he had turned it upside down that night he came home from the Silos. It fueled that fiery rage that simmered in his gut, it screamed of betrayal and he couldn't stomach the mere sight of it.

Nearly a week later and the fire that had raged in his gut had been extinguished, the anger was gone but he didn't feel any better in fact he felt worse.

He couldn't quite label what he was feeling now, it was a mixture of guilt and immense sadness. He picked the photo up, running his finger along the smiling faces willing himself to remember how their skin felt on his fingertips, to hear their cackle of laughter or the sweetness of their voice as they declared their love for him.

The photo brought back bittersweet memories, memories that he'd cherish forever. Had you told him that day that he would lose them all he never would've believed it. Life was good then, no life was amazing. It quickly went to shit in ways he never thought possible.

He and Meredith had reconciled, Lexi was as happy as she could be. She had found her footing in high school and was surrounded by great friends. She had dreams of going away to college, she had it all planned out. She was going to be a pediatric nurse, she wanted to get married and have children, she wanted the proverbial American dream.

He sighed when he focused on Adam the cocky kid was still present in those days, he was constantly a work in progress. He was eager to please, a little too eager in fact and it often came back to bite him in the ass. Or to be more specific bite _him_ in the ass, Voight had told him more than once that _he_ was the one to bring Ruzek in, that his mistakes were his too; that he better reign the kid in.

Al had vented to Meredith at least a dozen times about him in those early days, how he was a hot head a bit too impulsive, that dealing with Ruzek was like trying to herd cattle some days. He'd bounce around the bullpen with this abundance of energy and it was annoying as all fuck. His hastily written case notes and arrest reports left a lot to be desired, that is if you could actually read what he had written. Despite all of that Al could see the potential, it was buried under his ego and immaturity but it was there, just within reach but still so far away.

It had been Meredith's idea to invite him for dinner one night, Al had bucked it at first. He wasn't keen on bringing the kid home, he wasn't one for mixing business with pleasure but she was insistent. She wanted to meet the officer who had his back, she wanted to ' _vet_ ' him, Al had a good laugh when she tossed that word at him.

So he begrudgingly invited the kid over, that first dinner was just a little awkward. Adam's every other word was ' _fuck_ ' and Meredith cringed each time he used it, he would quickly bring his hand to cover his mouth and even blushed a bit. He would apologize profusely only to drop it again just a few minutes later; that wasn't the worst of it though. The reaction Lexi had to him was a bit shocking and it become apparent that she wasn't his sweet little girl anymore, she had morphed into a hormonal teenager seemingly over night.

The second Adam stepped foot in the house Lexi was smitten, she hung on his every word and followed his every move. She moved to sit next to him whenever she could and even blew the dust off the rarely used PlayStation.

That one dinner invite became a long standing open invitation and soon Adam became a frequent dinner guest. He would become their family, Lexi's little crush on Adam was cute and short lived, he soon took on a big brother role, he had even put the fear of god in a boy dated briefly.

In the blink of an eye he had lost it all.

His sweet princess had lost her life far too soon, she died a horrific death and her death just about killed him. It had destroyed what was left of his relationship with Meredith, she was gone now too. She moved back east and he hadn't spoken to her in well over a year.

Adam was now lost to him as well.

He had been furious with him, he handed him over to Voight on a silver platter. He had laid it on thick on the drive over, telling him how he was like a son to him. He spotted the fear in Adam's eyes he could hear it in his labored breathing the kid knew he was cooked.

Al couldn't do a damn thing for him, and at the time he really didn't want to. Had they taught him nothing? Voight's mantra from day one had always been ' _tell me the truth, so I can lie for you'_ what part of that had given Ruzek trouble? He wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed but he wasn't a fucking idiot.

That night at the Silos long after Voight had drove off Adam stood rooted in place, he glared at Al for a few moments before walking towards him, as Al climbed in the car Adam kept walking.

" _Hey.." Al jumped out of the car, "Ruzek!" He yelled, shoving his hands in his pockets it was fucking cold as balls and he had to bounce on his toes to keep from freezing._

 _Adam jerked his head around, "What?" He was fucking pissed, his world was falling apart around him and he had no idea how to stop it. "What the fuck do you want? Want a shot at me, Al? Fucking take it. I don't fucking give a shit." He erupted, pounding his fist against his chest to accentuate his point, "Put one in my head for all I care just make it fucking quick!" He violently jabbed his index finger at his temple._

" _Shut up, kid." Al wasn't about to get into it with him, not here and not now. It was too fucking cold for this shit, and he was too angry. "Get in the car. It's a long walk back to the district."_

" _Fuck off." Adam snapped._

" _Ruzek. Get in the car. Now." Al ordered._

 _Adam approached him, "You fucking deaf? I will fucking walk home. I'm not getting in that car with you."_

 _Al felt his shoulders slump, "Okay. This isn't over, Ruzek. Not by a long shot. You fucked up, royally."_

" _No shit. You think I don't know that? I know what I did." He was disgusted with himself, "I fucking hate it. I did what I had to do though."_

" _No. No you didn't." Al argued, "You had choices.."_

" _Family. Al, she's my family. My kid sister." He pleaded his case half heartedly, he knew he fucked up on all fronts, "I've got choices now too, and I'm choosing to walk."_

" _Adam..."_

Adam looked at him once more before turning and walking away, not even lifting his head and Al drove by.

It had been a week since that night, they hadn't spoken more than a few words to each other. Adam had made it clear that he wanted little to do with him and he was willing to let it go for a bit.

Adam was knee deep in shit at the moment, he was know under Voight's control and feeding Woods information. The tension radiated off of him in waves and he never gave Al more than a passing glance, that had to change.

He had lost too much in his life, he was furious with Adam. They had a lot to discuss and they would, but this what was going on between them now? That wasn't okay, he wasn't lying when he told Adam he was like a son to him, it was the truth. He'd lost enough in his life, he wouldn't lose Adam.

Adam had just popped the top off a beer when the pounding on the door started, he took a quick pull from his beer before setting it on the coffee table. He checked the peephole and groaned when he saw it was Al on the other side.

Al was the last person he expected to see, Atwater had been his initial guess. Kevin had been the only consistent visitor lately and even those visits were few and far between.

He contemplated telling him to fuck off but thought better of it, "Olinsky" he greeted him as he opened the door, "What do you need?" He was gruff and not in the least bit welcoming.

"To talk" Al replied, "with you"

"Yeah?"

Al nodded his head, "Can I come inside? Or are we going to do it here.."he spread his arms wide, "in the hallway."

Adam stepped aside, "Come on in." This conversation had to happen and he knew it but fuck he was dreading it.

"Thanks." Al pursed his lips, "I don't know where to start, I don't know how to do this kid," he heard the slight wobble of emotion, "What the fuck were you thinking?"

Adam laughed nervously, "Guess you figured out where to start huh?"

Al ignored his reply and just glared at him.

"You want one?" He held up his beer, when Olinsky nodded he retreated to kitchen, "My kid sister. She needed me." Adam explained, "I had to help her."

"Kid sister? I've known you for close to five years and not once" He held his finger up, "not once did you mention her, not one fucking time Adam."

"You never asked" Adam replied flippantly.

Al scowled at him, he felt like he was talking to a teenager and not a grown ass man. "This kid sister of yours, the one you never mentioned. She was worth throwing your career down the shitter? You threw everything away for her, the kid sister no one knew about. Not even Kim. Explain that to me."

Adam sat on the arm of the couch, he gripped the neck of the bottle tightly in his hand, "Why? I don't owe you shit. Not after what you did."

Al cocked his head to the side, "Excuse me? What _I_ did?"

He wasn't going to make this easy for anyone, "Yeah." Adam jumped up and began to pace, "You lied to me O. You told me we were meeting a CI. Went on and on in the car about how you think of me as a son. You took me to the fucking Silos. The Silos!" He shouted at him, his heart was thudding wildly in his chest, "We all know what happens at the Silos."

"Shut up, kid." Al held his hand up, "Shut the fuck up, right now. Sit your fucking ass down and shut up." His voice was low and steady, it was devoid of emotion. While his voice was calm, he was anything but calm.

He was absolutely furious.

Being called out on the rug wasn't unusual for Adam, it was pretty commonplace for him. Growing up he was often called out, he was constantly in trouble. He seemed to be a magnet for it, he was always mixing it up with someone. It wasn't uncommon to see him sporting a busted lip or a black eye. If he wasn't in a physical altercation his mouth would get him in trouble, he never knew when to shut up and he stopped trying to figure it out.

It seemed getting into trouble was what would get his mother's attention, she was always too involved with her new family and his kid sister that Adam often fell to the wayside.

It didn't take long for Adam to put two and two together, getting in trouble at school always meant a phone call to his parents. Adam was desperate for his mother's attention that he didn't give a shit if it was negative attention, he just needed her to acknowledge his presence.

She'd show up to the school and she'd listen as the principal rattled off a list of Adam's indiscretions, his mother would apologize on his behalf and see to it that he was punished, and that was that.

The problem was that she never followed through on any of it, she'd rant and rave at him for a good bit and then her and Bob would talk, discuss a punishment of some sort and it was done.

She'd head home to care for Kate. Bob would head back to work, leaving Adam to his own devices. Punishments were never followed through with, it just became a cycle. Adam would get in trouble, his parents would be called and they'd put up this unified front at school and once home all bets were off. They retreated to their respective corners and that was it, until the next time.

Adam had this buddy in high school, he was a good kid the complete opposite of himself and they pulled a prank in school and were caught red handed. His buddy was an absolute wreck while they waited in the principal's office for their parents to arrive.

He suddenly started to sweat, seriously sweat. His knees were knocking and Adam watched him, his skin was this odd gray color and beads of sweat dotted his hairline, Adam was perplexed by it all. As soon as the kid's parents walked in the kid burst into tears, it was the oddest thing Adam had ever seen.

After the dust settled and his buddy was allowed out again, Adam had questioned him on why he was so upset that day. Adam just couldn't wrap his head around it, the kid's parents never raised their voices at him, never hit him. Yet the kid was beside himself, he had told Adam that he let his folks down, that he disappointed them.

Adam didn't get that, he'd disappointed his parents more times than he could count and he never once felt bad about it, he soon realized why. His parents never really cared, they had their own shit to deal with and paid little or no attention to Adam.

Adam never understood it, until now.

Until he saw that look of disappointment in Al's eyes that night in the car and every day since then.

He had disappointed Al.

While Al thought of him as a son, he thought of Al as a father. His own pops had done the best he could, and Adam did love him but what he had with Al was something all together different.

He had felt so many emotions when he turned over that tape of Halstead, he hated himself for doing it. He had been stuck between a rock and a hard place and it left him with a serious case of self loathing.

Worst of all was knowing that he let down Al and a lesser extent Hank, he hated letting him down but letting Voight down didn't hurt nearly as much. Yes, he respected Voight and wanted to earn his praise and all that goes with it but letting Olinsky down was worse.

The only other feeling that came close was letting Sammy down, that hurt just almost as much. He knew Sammy would be okay, Kate was in deep shit no doubt but their mother would make sure both Kate and Sammy were okay. Far more than she has ever done for Adam, he figured she had little to do with him because of his Pops. She hated his Pops with a passion and it seemed her hatred had overshadowed her love for him.

Adam watched as Olinsky sat down opposite him, his face was contorted into something Adam couldn't quite put his finger on, "You had choices. You know this. You decided to do this own your own and now you've got to face the consequences of those choices. Don't you fucking dare turn this around on me!" Al was barely keeping it together, "You don't think that hurt me?" He asked, "It hurt me here.." he placed his palm over his heart. "It killed me. It fucking hurt. Knowing you turned your back on the unit, on me. You didn't trust me enough to come to me! Fuck Adam!"

Adam sighed, "Al..."

"Don't fucking talk. I'm not done. I busted my ass for you, I did all I could to make sure you were good police, I took a chance on you. This is how you show your gratitude? You dick us over?"

"No..."

Al laughed, "That's fucking bullshit."

"I didn't mean to..I tried to give him shit..."

Al stopped him, "That? That right that was your first mistake. You played ball with Woods. What the fuck Adam?"

Adam hunched over, he expelled a long slow breath, "I get it!" He jumped up off the couch and was in Al's face in an instant, "I fucked up! Guess what? It's what I do. I fuck up, over and over again. It is what it is, ok? So spare me the fucking lecture." His voice cracked just a bit.

"Stop with that shit!" Al grabbed him, "Look at me!"

He waited until Adam met his eyes, "You're not a fuck up kid. You fucked up, but you're not a fuck up" in that moment he could see the vulnerability in Adam's eyes, it was like looking into the eyes of a thirteen kid, "You're a damn good cop, you're a good man who made a shit choice. A choice you made with good intentions, don't lose sight of that. You made a mistake and you're paying for it now. You need to bust your ass to get in Voight's good graces but not me kid. I know you" He gripped the back of Adam's neck, "You're a good man with a good heart. That night in the car, I wasn't blowing smoke up your ass. I think of you as a son and I love you like one. So quit beating yourself up over this, it's done. Okay?"

Adam nodded, "I'm sorry O. I mean it. I'm so fucking sorry."

"I know Adam. I know."

"I let you down."

"You did." Al agreed, "You'll do it again to, and I will let you down at some point. It happens, but this? Us? We are family, I've lost my daughter. My wife left me...You're all I got, kid."

"We're good? You and me?" Adam asked.

"We're good." Al embraced him. "You hungry?"

Adam laughed. "Fuck Yeah."

Al pointed to his jacket, "Grab that. Dinner's on me kid. We've got a lot to talk about."

"Yeah? Like what? I'm pretty sure we covered all the bases." Adam locked up.

Al waited until he turned around, "Lots to discuss."

They ended up at a greasy burger joint a few blocks from Adam's apartment, they had inhaled their burgers and were enjoying a few beers before heading out. They had discussed some heavy shit over the last few hours, and it was important that they clear the air.

"Why was your sister such a big secret?" Al asked.

"She wasn't, not really. We didn't have much to do with each other. She's so far up my mother's ass it's not even funny. I can't stand my stepfather never liked him. She's so much younger than me, we just had our own lives. You know how it is. I saw her a couple of times a year, Christmas and my ma's birthday. Then she got herself knocked up, and moved to be with her baby daddy only to end up coming home about a year ago. I met Sammy and I was hooked. The kid is so fucking cool, Al. He's awesome. He's the reason I did what I did." He hung his head a bit, "I had to help him, you've got to understand that."

"I do" Al nodded, "We've all been there, everyone of us. Voight too. Problem is Woods was circling, he was looking for a way in, and he found it.

"You think Voight will ever ease up?" Adam asked, "I was up for Detective, he told he put Atwater in for the promotion."

"I know." Al hated for him, "Give it time, Adam. Let's deal with Woods, once that's done I think you'll see a change in Voight. He gets it. He's been there too, but he's told you, the entire unit. Tell him the truth and let him lie for you. He knows you're good police, just give him some time and space."

"Yeah.."

"What's up with you and Burgess?"

Adam coughed, "Excuse me?"

Al curled his lip, "You've still got a thing for her, don't you?"

"Nah, man. We're done." Adam leaned back in the booth, "Ancient history."

"Bullshit." Al laughed, "I see the way you look at her. You're still in love with that girl, your eyes light up the second she walks in. You hang on her every word, you never got over her."

Adam groaned, "I've tried Al. I just can't do it, she's it for me, man. It's not that way for her, it sucks but that's life, right? I just want her happy, I wish I could be the one to do it but I'm not. She's moved on. I'm trying to do the same, it's not easy though."

Al took the final sip of his beer, "Some unsolicited advice. Do with it what you will, but I've learned life is cruel son of a bitch. You never know when shit will go sideways, when your time is up. You need to take life by balls man, you need to live life to the fullest while you can. Don't turn out like me, I'm a bitter old man. I let Meredith walk out of my life, I missed out on so much of Lexi's life. Time I will never get back, my little girl she's gone Adam, she died way too young. She died before she got to live, she didn't get to fall in love, to me a mom. There was so much she didn't get to do, to experience. Adam, life is a precious gift don't let it slip through your fingers."

Adam could see the tears glistening in Al's eyes and his heart was breaking for the man, "Al...I'm so sorry about Lexi. She was a beautiful soul."

"That she was." Al beamed with pride, "She loved you like a brother. She really loved you, she lived for the nights you came over, when you would hang out with her. I know she gave you hell for scaring any boy that looked her way, but she loved it. She loved knowing you had her back, she held out hope that you and Kim would get back together"

"I loved her too, so much. I miss her." Adam wiped the condensation from his beer, "I know Kim loved her too. I always hoped we'd get back together too. That ship sailed."

Al blew him off, "I don't think it did. I think you should give it another shot. If it doesn't work out, fine. At least you tried. You gotta try Adam, you don't want to wake up one day and wish you had tried. Go to her, talk to her."

Adam shrugged, "I don't know..."

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"She says no." Adam wasn't sure he could handle being rejected.

"She could say yes, Adam. She could say yes."

He summoned all of the courage he could muster and found himself on her doorstep. His hand hovered over the door with his eyes closed he knocked.

Adam could hear movement on the other side of the door and his heart jumped into his throat as he heard the lock turn over and the door opened.

Her hair was in a messy bun and she was dressed in a pair of leggings and a CPD shirt, and it took his breath away.

"Adam, hey." She smiled, "What's up?"

He felt his knees wobble just a bit, "Hi..uh.." he stuttered a bit, "I know it's kinda late and everything, and if you're busy I could go but.." he bounced on the balls of his feet his heart racing and his palms sweaty. He felt like a teenager again, he was rambling, "...I thought maybe...well, I hoped..."

Kim cocked her head to the side, "You alright? You seem nervous."

"Understatement of year" he laughed, "I'd like to talk to you..like really talk to you. I thought maybe we could talk about what went wrong. Where we went wrong."

Kim leaned against the door frame, "Us?"

"Yeah. Why we broke up, I think it's over due. That maybe we should've done this months ago."

Kim smiled, "I think I'd like that. Come on in."

"Me too." Adam smiled, "I'd like that a lot."

 _ **I would've loved a conversation between Al and Adam after the Silos and while I understand they can't fit it all into 42 minutes, I feel they should've made it work. They didn't give it us so I had to do it.**_


End file.
